Originally, the plan was to come here to learn more, to find out more about myself.

Now the plan has shifted to an escape.

An escape from the reality that has presented itself to me.

I’m sitting in the dark, in some park near that village I was born in.

Alone.

There’s nothing I hate more in this world than being alone. With other people, I’m distracted. I’m not thinking about anything really. But when I’m alone, thoughts flood my head and won’t leave until I really think about them.

It’s nothing but a burden.

They think I hate being alone because I’ve been alone all my life. Now that I have them I don’t want to let go.

They’re only half right. Alone brings thoughts and reflection upon past events. Something I’d rather not do really. But now that I’m here what else is there to do?

Hmm. Nothing to do but think.

Think about my life so far, how it’s going, the decisions I’ve made and the things I’ve done.

I do believe joining the Keyguards was one of the stupidest decisions I’ve ever made in my life. Stupidest, and also the best. The decision has brought me pain, but joy. Hatred, but friendships. Feelings I’ve never had before as well. People to call a family. A place to call home.

Home is where the family is after all. Nikita told me that once, and ever since she did it hasn’t left my mind. I do consider those people to be a family of sorts. The monotone Aunt, the tech savvy daughter, and yes, even the crazy alcoholic uncle. As long as they’re all with me, I think I can feel free to call the headquarters my home.

But do they mind? I can’t help but think, they must either have or have had families of their own at some point, right? Something about this fake, broken yet put back together family must bother them. Do we even reserve the right to call ourselves a family? Or are we just joking with ourselves? Are we all just putting something there in place of something we’ve lost or never had? Who knows. Who can really say but these people themselves?

I can say what I think. And that is that those people are most definitely my family. Biological or not, they’re my family and nothing will change that. I will protect them as such as well.

Protection. I could be so much better with my actual element if I had given that up in that dream so long ago. But that’s merely a lingering thought. I regret none of my decisions in that dreams. Magic and physical skills are nothing, they’re completely worthless if you can’t protect those you care for. If they’re lost from you, no longer to be around you, what’s the point in fighting any longer? People will always fight because they have something to protect. Whether this be an actual person, or an ideal, they will fight to protect it. This is how people have always been, and will always be. In my opinion at least.

Clearly, I think, Father didn’t care as much for me as he claimed. If he had really cared so much, he would’ve stood up to my witch of a mother and defied her to keep me. But no, she was far more important than his own child. Oh well. I’ve stopped caring about that. Just as he gave me up so easily, not even looking back, I can do just the same.

He can go to hell. People like him are worthless. I’m the one that’s going to shine through all this, and come out on top, bright, strong and happy as ever. I’m going to shove it in his face that no, idiot, I don’t need you to be happy. I don’t need him to be the best I can be. All I need is myself and my friends. ….my family.

…and then I remember why I came here in such a frantic hurry.

I regret that. I regret it all. I was scolded for it. And I still did it.  My curiosity was just too much to resist, and I read his journal. As he put it, I invaded his privacy. I was in his room, reading his thoughts, and I deserved every bit of what he said to me. What he did.

But did I stand up and face it, like a strong woman should? No. I ran. I ran and ran until I got here and then I stopped, to wallow in my own thoughts. I ran because I was scared. I ran because I was upset. The man I was so happy to call my best friend. I completely betrayed him by barging into his thoughts. I wanted to know more. I felt so in the dark about him, so distant and I only wanted to be closer. I was selfish. He helped me with so much. Helped me get through so much. Helped me get a smile back when nothing would make me happy. And I paid him back by disturbing his privacy. I ran because I was scared of what could’ve happened if I said something back. I could’ve ruined everything. I was scared of that more than everything.

A relationship, a friendship, a family.

All of it can be destroyed in the blink of an eye. All it takes is one little thing.

A moment of doubt, the slightest hint of mistrust, one word. One action.

And in a flash, it’s gone. A relationship, a friendship, a family one worked so hard to build will disappear.

And that’s what scares me the most. Something so wonderful can be lost so quickly with the wrong move. And yet, I didn’t think. I went ahead and did it, and got just what I deserved. To be shoved away and pushed out. Unwanted, yet again. A little action that may as well have destroyed a friendship.

He’s right. He’s oh so very right. I’m a woman. I act like a 6-year old girl. In actions it’s not so bad, you’re fun loving, carefree and happy. When that childish mentality establishes itself along with your very ideals, that’s a problem.

Hitting people when I don’t get what I want? Tackling to get what I do want? Seriously, what am I 6?! What was I thinking? All that does is make me looks stupid and childish, someone who can easily be manipulated and used because of her childish mentality. That stops now. It’s fine when we’re playing around, but with me? That has become a habit, something done on an everyday basis to get what I want. That’s ridiculous. And it ends here.

…and then there’s the ‘shows of bravado’ as he called them. I know I’m a good fighter, a good wielder…but looking back on it, I…I really do take it too far. I test my limits, and go to the point where I could die. I’m not afraid of dying, but when it comes to that time, I won’t be embracing it. I’ll be fighting back. I’m not going down without a fight.

But to go to the point where I could die, in a situation in which that’s unnecessary. A situation that only requires quick thinking. THINKING, actually instead of just acting. He’s right. That’s idiotic. That also ends here. From now on, I plan to think things through before I do them, especially in battle.

There’s one thing that needs to be understood though. Most of the times these little shows of bravado have been done have been when there’s someone worth protecting there. I will always, always risk my life to save someone else’s.

While my life is worth a lot to me, the life of someone else, someone I care for will always have more value to me. This will never change. If it takes a show of supposed bravado that kills me, but that person lives, then Hell, I’m fine. I’m happy.

Yeah it’s a stupid ideal to have, throwing my life away for someone else, but it won’t ever change. No matter what happens, that will never change.

Ever.

…alone…isn’t so bad. It…It really does help one think things through. And boy is it helping me. I’ve never really sat down and just…thought before. It’s different. It’s kind of crazy to be thinking about all these things right now but when one has never done it before, it’s to be expected.

I’m going to go back to all of them a better person. I’ll still be the same, fun-loving, silly woman I am, but inside, I will be much. Much stronger. It’s about time I changed these ridiculous ways of mine for the better.

To her, Nikita, the first ‘daughter.’ The girl who despite being 10 or so years younger than me is much, much wiser than I could ever hope to be. Who has helped me through a lot, and really instilled feelings of hope in me with her thoughtful demeanor and words.

Avery, the second ‘daughter.’ She’s always so cheerful and such, but then there’s the little things that bother her. Yet despite it all she remains, so so cheerful and really brings a smile to my face.

Felicia. The newest and third ‘daughter.’ A selfless, kind girl. A girl who was willing to give up the man she loved so that her friend could be happy. So that she could see the both of them happy. Seeing her do that made me so sad, but simultaneously, so proud of her sacrifice to make two deserving people happy.

The aunts, Emily and Delfina, who I don’t know too well, but who nonetheless, are part of this makeshift family of ours.

The uncle, Zeneki. He thought after getting munny from him, I’d leave. In fact, I think he might have feared it, but once I denied it, selflessly gave me the munny I needed to pay off a great debt I had, taking a great weight of my shoulders. Giving me relief, despite the fact that I had hardly met him a day ago.

And of course the man who drove me here. Who caused me to run in fear but in turn actually helped me. The man who made me stop and think for once in my entire life.
Zaki pointed out my flaws and the many things I needed to fix to become stronger. At the time it angered me but once I sat down and thought, saw that he was entirely right. A man who I no longer deserve to call any friend of mine because of my betrayal to him, my breach of his privacy. Who’s forgiveness I can only hope to receive, but not expect. I don’t deserve it anyway.

To all these people, and to my fellow guards, I will go back a stronger better person.
Just they wait.